My wife became bored with sitting about the house and wanted to go out somewhere. I can’t imagine why - it’s a perfectly nice house, with all our hobbies and the pets. Fearing a session of Retail Therapy, I figured I’d better go along to control the the Urge to Spend.
We wound up at one of those home stores like Linens N Things. I always wanted to go to that store, find a Helpful Associate, and ask to see their Things. This may be why they are going Chapter Eleven - I dunno.
So here we are at one of their competitors (who have managed to stay in business thus far) and even I’m a little excited to be out and about (they don’t let me out much). I found all sorts of stuff there. And I remembered why I don’t leave the house much. These stores use extreme psychological manipulation to sell you things.
My wife has this thing about organization. When I say this thing, I mean she is not organized. However, she believes that if she purchases a book on organization, she’ll become organized. When that fails, she purchases another book. In fact, we have the most well-stocked book section on organization I have ever seen. Barnes and Noble is jealous. Unfortunately I can’t find anyof them because there’s no organization to where they’re stowed.
I’ll admit I used to fall for this trick. In fact, I still do to some extent; I’m just better at catching it before it gets to the front counter to be purchased. I have no hope whatsoever that I’ll become organized. My particular delusion is that if I purchase shelves or shelving units, my areas will magically look less like the aftermath of a particularly large thermonuclear device. Or if I purchase power tools, I’ll somehow be able to build things. After all, it looked so easy on tv… Have you ever seen a lefty use a circular saw? Suffice it to say that the debris comes out right in your mouth and you can’t see the line you’re cutting.
Since I’m aware of most of my weaknesses, I just satisfy myself to trail along behind my wife (and make fun of hers).
The first thing she was looking for was her favorite cleaner, Orange Clean. They had Orange Glow, Glow Clean, Orange Oxy, and twenty others, but no Orange Clean. I suggested we go to the front and try to find BILLY MAYS, the hyper-excited guy who does all the commercials for ONE OF A KIND PRODUCTS and CLEANERS THAT WILL CLEAN ANY KIND OF DIRT FROM ANY SURFACE. Why you can even GLUE YOUR CAR BACK TOGETHER AFTER AN ACCIDENT WITH NEW BONDO PUTTY - ONLY AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. AND IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE FIRST FIVE HUNDRED CALLERS IN THE NEXT THIRTY-TWO SECONDS, WE’LL SEND YOU A FREE BABY. BUT WAIT, THAT’S NOT ALL.
Can you imagine that guy’s home life?
HI, HONEY, I’M HOME.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY DEAR?
I HAD A GREAT DAY - NO, A STUPENDOUS DAY.
DID YOU MAKE A LOT OF SALES?
I SOLD ALL KINDS OF THINGS. AND GAVE AWAY FREE BABIES WITH EACH ORDER.
I’M TIRED. COULD YOU COOK DINNER TONIGHT?
I’M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, DEAR. I BROUGHT HOME SOME OF THE ADMIRAL’S FISH.
THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU, BILLY.
BUT WAIT…. IF YOU EAT THE FISH, YOU GET THESE LOVELY HUSH PUPPIES!
OOH, I LOVE HUSH PUPPIES.
THAT’S NOT ALL. IF YOU EAT THEM IN THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUTES, YOU GET THIS FREE COMBINATION BACK-SCRATCHER AND NOSE HAIR PULLER!
UMM… GEE, THAT’S NICE.
DADDY..DADDY..DADDY!!!!!!
HI, KIDS!
etc etc etc…
Not able to find Billy Mays, we labored on.
I immediately located the Espresso Storage Ottoman, which I explained to my wife that we could use for storing all of our espresso. She declined.
Like all good bargain hunters, she gravitated to the clearance table, where I observed the genuine KitchenAid Santuko knife, which would become invaluable should either of us decide to commit santuko.
We somehow managed to tear ourselves away from the hydrating therapy socks, although I’m not entirely sure how. Do they do the therapy or do they need therapy?
Right across the aisle I pointed out this year’s model of the super soaker, which we’ve been searching for to help our cat with a little behavioral issue.
Of course there is no store in the known universe that would be caught dead without a huge supply of digital picture frames. I assume you can’t put Polaroids in them. Then the iSound Spa, further proving you can sell anything if you put an `i’ in front of it.
There was an entire section of bed skirts. I strongly objected; no bed of mine looks good in a skirt. It’s an item like a valance, which is a word no straight male has ever heard until he gets married. POOF - all of the sudden he knows what a valance is and can be seen shopping for them with his wife (uh-oh).
Further on we saw an entire section of drawer dividers. These must be for the people who aren’t getting their hydrating sock therapy and whose OCD is getting way out of control.
“What are you doing this weekend?”
I got these simply wonderful drawer dividers and I’m taking the month off to organize every drawer in my house. Apparently it’s covered under Family Medical Leave.
Then there was the Fuzzy Duster Section. Not a lot of shoppers know that they’re also french ticklers and cat toys. As it turns out, not a lot of shoppers want to know this important information. Or at very least, the lady I told was not interested. She looked more horrified than anything else. Bloody ignorant people.
I’m not sure what dryer balls are, but it sounds painful.
So that was our little outing. If you don’t get out much and can’t afford most of what you see because you just put seventy-five dollars in your gas tank just this week, you have to invent your own fun.
My next story on this topic will be Christmas Eve, when the wife and I grab some expensive coffee drinks and sit in the mall, watching all the frantic last minute shoppers attempt to purchase things. Now that’s entertainment.
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